Time Sensitive Bulletin: Paul’s Sat Works
Friday, April 1, 2011
1 cup o coffee
“PAUL’S HAT WORK’S EMPLOYEES REFUSE TO HAT, AND HAVE SAT.”
“It’s a gloomy day in the foggy avenues of the Richmond District here in San Francisco. Today, on April 1st, 2011, the hatters that work for Paul’s Hat Works Incorporated strike out against the powers that be. Paul’s Hat Works has been a small time business for 91 years until it was bought and turned into a corporation in June of 2009. The four employees of the company have been working extremely hard to pull it back out of the economic slump it has been in for almost two years now, but it’s two years too long for them.
Olivia, one of the employees, says, “Firstly, there is no union for hatters any more because hat wearing has decreased so drastically, and with no effort from the president of PHW to market hats as an essential item, wearing won’t increase, so neither will my wages!” The president of the corporation was sited leaving Paul’s Hat Works this very morning, in a beige trench coat with fedora pulled low over her brow. Mrs. Griffin, brushed off all questions, stating only that “All hat production has stopped, we are working to resolve the situation as soon as possible so that none of our customers have to be bareheaded longer than necessary.”
Abbie, another employee of Paul’s Hat Works Inc, complained about the massive amount of orders coming in at the beginning of the year which has tragically resulted in her hands falling off. “This is unacceptable!” she declares. When the secretary of the corporation, Ms. Dwelle, was asked about this she had only to say “It was stipulated in the contract that there is a small chance of this happening. Abbie signed it, there’s nothing we can do.”
Early this morning, a third employee, Kirsten, was seen marching up and down in front of Paul’s Hat Works with a sign that said “Hell no, we won’t sew!” There has been no sign at all of the VP, Miss Hove, since the strike started early this morning, word has it that she refuses to leave her home until things have resolved themselves.
The treasurer of Paul’s Hat Works Inc, Ms. Hawkins, let it slip to the press that she has been receiving empty bags of coffee in the mail, which can only be seen as a message from Wendy, the fourth employee, clearly an indication that she is drinking no coffee, and thus, not working.
So, all you hat wearers out there, if you come to Paul’s Hat Works, it will be open, but no work will be done. You will be more likely to find the employees sitting in the window reading and investigating the art of sitting, than the craft of hatting. But keep this under your hat, we don’t want this anti-hat virus to spread to other hat shops. “I have no experience doing this much sitting, but I will do it thoroughly and properly, until justice is had!” exclaims Olivia.”